Self Love Struggles



I know feeding into negative thoughts isn't very healthy and all, but I have a lot more negative days than positive ones.

I can only really speak on what I'm experiencing and right now this is what i am experiencing. I was hesitant to share these thoughts, due to the lack of positivity in this post, but I need to get it all off of my chest, so here goes.

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I feel stuck.

I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this funk.

I need a push, I need some motivation.
I am so frustrated with myself. Why? Because I don't have any self motivation, nor the self belief needed to get my ass into gear. 

It's crazy.

Right now, I fear of all of the things that should be encouraging me.

Nothing is clear enough for me, I need it to be clear. The lack of transparency has left me feeling really unsure and scared.

The fear of the unknown is taking over. 

I feel like I have given up.

Everyone around me is pushing me to do better, but it's not working. Nobody can do this for me but me. That's the part I'm struggling with. It's all down to me. 

Can someone take over for just a minute please.

All of these people around me are speaking so highly of me, but the first thing that comes to mind is"why?"

Then I realised, I don't actually love myself. Not even half as much as others do. I don't see what they see, I can't appreciate what they are appreciating.

People miss me, people want to see me and I don't even understand why. 

Even though I know that's crazy it's just my reality right now.

I question if I even want to succeed.

Lately I have noticed that my body doesn't respond well to my over thinking. 
Whenever the over thinking starts, I find it hard to sleep.
I feel my body tremble. I'm not cold, so why is my body shaking? Why do I feel so uncomfortable and agitated?

I wonder if I'm imaging the shaking, or is my body actually trembling?

I first noticed it last year, but didn't pay any attention to it. I can remember this happening at least four times now.

Is my body trying to tell me to rest? Has my mind had enough of my negative thoughts?

I was thinking about my past, to see if I could figure out why this is happening now.

Then I realised I had a vision before. I was specifically working towards something, and now, now I have no end goal or destination. I'm currently slowing and casually falling down an endless hole.  There's no goal, neither is there a vision. There's just a lot of empty ideas.

Now I have to figure out what to do with myself, the quicker I figure that one out the better.

I need a goal.
I need to start something, follow through and finish it.

I want to believe in myself. 

I want to love myself.

I want to be proud of myself.

I feel like such a pessimist at the moment, but these are my self love struggles.


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This Photo is by the talented Nicholle Kobi

When I get out of this funk there will be some more positive posts. I have been using my blog as a diary lately, especially when I feel like expressing myself or getting a few things off of my chest.

I'm currently in bed backing that ass up to Notorious B.I.G - Hypontize so I guess things aren't so bad😛

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Email me: Saabirahlawrencexo@gmail.com

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