Fat, Black & Single #2


Last year back in June I did a very honest post, about how I felt my weight and being black relates to my relationship status. I went back to read my Fat, Black & Single post the other day and got pretty emotional. I don't really remember writing all the things I was reading. I felt as if I had gone backwards instead of forwards. My little sister (Amina) quickly reassured that I haven't actually gone backwards, it's just that I'm not where I want to be at the moment. - Which is very true.

I thought I'd do an update. If you read my My Dating App Experience post, you will know I'm trying the whole dating thing. I say trying, but honestly I'm barely trying lol.

Fat

I mentioned in my first Fat, Black & Single post that I felt like my weight made me less attractive. I mentioned that I felt comfortable being this way, but only because it made it easier for me to be left alone.

I know exactly why I find it so bizarre when men find me attractive and I know it's wrong. It's just a lot easier to push people away, see all my flaws instead the good qualities that I have.

The thoughts I have on my physical appearance aren't very positive. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that I'm okay because I'm consciously aware of those negative thoughts. However that doesn't mean I'm working towards improving those negative thoughts, I'm just aware of them.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out what I need to do in order to improve my thoughts on my physical appearance.
Most the time I don't even care, I look and carry myself in a way that shows how little I care about the way I look. Then there's times I actively try to look good but still battle with my inner thoughts. 

I've told myself that I'm going to join the gym. Accepting the way I look now is hard, so maybe seeing a healthy change to my body will encourage some more healthy thoughts. Initially I didn't really want to make any changes to my physical appearance, simply because I want someone to want me for me. At least then when I make an effort to look good it's just a bonus. But my health is more important than what is more desirable, so I'm doing this for me.  

Black

I'm surrounded by people telling me that I shouldn't limit myself to only dating black men. My mum said she worries about me, because I know all that I know and still choose to only date black men. It's only now that I'm  starting to wonder if my mum is right. Should I be more open minded?

Even though I know social media and the few encounters I've had with black men isn't everything, it's sometimes difficult to separate real life with social media life.

Black British men in my reach aren't the types of men I'm interested in, however I'm faced with the whole "be realistic" mindset *yuck.
Where I am in my life right now and who I interact with doesn't allow me to meet the men I actually want to meet and interact with. I go to work, come home and on the odd occasion I will pop to the pub with my friend. But I'm not exactly going to meet my woke bae at the bar ordering a sex on the beach now am I?

If I want to meet the right person/people, I have to be in the right places. Also I have to grow some balls and actually make the first move if I'm feeling someone.

Single

I honestly feel like my anxiety plays a big part in me being single. However I've become so comfortable being single I can't even imagine myself being in a relationship. Obviously sometimes I feel like having somebody around would be lovely and all, but then I just start to feel uncomfortable.

I was watching a video on youtube about being single and I could so relate to some of the things they mentioned.

VIDEO: Rosianna Halse Rojas - 'The Truth About Being Single With Lucy Moon'


I don't particularly feel the pressure so much from people around me. Because I've never been in a relationship, people have only known me to be single. It probably comes across as if I don't necessarily care about being in a relationship.

I still get the odd "you got a boyfriend yet Saabirah?" from friends and cousins but I laugh it off and just reply with a simple "nope".

 I get the impression from my mum that every guy I come into contact with should be "a good friend". Any time guys are mentioned, my mum will always say "even if all you get out of it is a good friendship". My mum has essentially friend zoned every guy I could potentially meet lol. But I guess that's just a Mum thing.

Lucy suggests that being in a relationship is almost like a life experience. I would definitely say that when I was younger I felt that dating and having relationships was a total "norm".
It's only now I'm older I'm starting to feel like this isn't for everyone or not everyone will experience It all around the same time or in the same way and that's absolutely fine. It's weird because that seems pretty obvious now, but I got caught up thinking that in life you meet people, some become friends, some become partners and those relationships either develop or end. 

I definitely felt like I had missed out on some major life experiences just because I hadn't been in a relationship. Which is silly but I do think about what difference that experience would have made to my life now. Would I still be the same person I am today? would I be more successful with dating and men? 


- "It does make me question if their are choices that I've made in my life that have lead me to be deficient"

It's crazy to think that there could be things I have consciously or unconsciously done that could have contributed to me being single. I have never thought about it before. At the moment I don't even want to make time to entertain the idea of dating and men. I'd much rather stay in bed and listen to Beyoncé.

When I started saying that I want to start dating, it wasn't because I was ready. It felt like it was something I should at a least try or something I should be doing at my age. Going on the very little amount of dates that I went on reassured me that I'm just not ready. Will I ever be? God knows

- "Is it really that I'm scared to be vulnerable in front of someone, like is that why I'm single?"

Being vulnerable isn't something I'm very comfortable with. It's easy to be vulnerable in a blog post or in a text, but in person it's totally different. I feel like there has to be a healthy amount of vulnerability when it comes to relationships. I'm just not at a point in my life where I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. I'm pretty selective about the information I share about myself. If you don't ask you will never know, unless I'm comfortable sharing that information myself.

I think once I'm in a place where I'm able to say "no" more often and I'm able to be true to myself unapologetically, then I won't mind being vulnerable or being more open. It will be easier for me, I will be confident enough to stand strong in my thoughts, opinions and my boundaries will be clear. 

What are your thoughts on relationships and being single? Do you enjoy it? Does it bother you? 

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Email me: Saabirahlawrencexo@gmail.com

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