I've always enjoyed doing things by myself, even if it did make my stomach turn and hands shake. I just thought it was my insecurities and the idea of being vulnerable. For some reason I was constantly thinking about what it looks like,I felt like being alone made it look like it had no friends or maybe I was just weird. It's strange I never looked at it in a good way, like maybe going solo is a good thing, being seen alone might just show others that you're confident, instead of actually being extremely terrified.
It's a lot easier for me to do things by myself. I get to experience things the way I want to and enjoy everything my way. I think sometimes being with others takes away from your own experience (not all of the time).
|Solange - Cranes in the Sky|
The run up to the party I had it in my head that I was going to dance all night and mingle. I was excited when the day came, then I entered the venue and that's when the shaking started. My stomach flipped like I was on a rolla coaster, I smiled through it all hoping that nobody would notice how nervous I was. Then I heard my name being called, people don't always pronounce my name right, so I was surprised to hear someone confidently call my name (correctly).
It was Jay from Curlture. I knew they'd be there and I'm also a fan of their work as well. Looking back on that moment I wish I would have handled it better. I was still shaking, my legs felt like jelly and I just wanted to find the bar lol. I greeted the girls and we exchanged compliments, then I rushed off to the bar hoping that a cocktail would calm my nerves (it didn't).
I stood at the bar for most of the night, danced a little bit and ordered a shot. I stood at the bar taking in everything, looking at all the beautiful black women at this event, all shapes and all sizes. I saw how confident these women were and found myself feeling frustrated with myself, for not getting there earlier so I could ease myself into it better.
Anyways this event was the what made me think about going alone to places that people don't always go alone to. This is me putting myself in situations that I wouldn't normally put myself in, in order to get over this fear of looking "weird". It's also to get myself to meet new people and to be around people that represent what I want to achieve. I want to be confident, I want to be carefree and unapologetic. I don't want to have to feel with this fear any more, so I'm making an active effort to go places alone to force myself to get over this fear.
Yesterday I went to a Self Love & Body Image Workshop. Cleo let me know about the event and it looked really interesting, initially I didn't think I was going to go. Then I thought why the hell not? It's a workshop about self love and body image, two things I'm working on. So I bought my ticket and shared the information on my instagram so other women could see it.
I was slightly nervous, but as soon as I walked in the vibe was so claiming I had nothing to worry about really. I entered the room and the lights where off, the room was lit with candles and fairy lights, I could smell incentives sticks burning. Everyone was conversing on the floor, it was beautiful.
Soon as I sat down I greeted by a lovely young women, we introduced ourselves, she told me she's originally from Kenya so I asked her what it was like and that was the beginning of our conversation. She had such a clam and chilled vibe about her, I loved it. Then the girl on the other side of me started a conversation with me, we started speaking about why we was here, little did we know that would be one of the activities we'd have to do during the workshop lol.
I've never been in a space where everyone was so open and friendly. I'm very easily intimidated, confident women tend to intimidate me (unintentionally obviously). Normally when I'm surrounded by women I don't know, I just keep quiet and keep to myself. But in this situation I would have to be crazy to not interact and get involved.
The workshop was all about forgiving ourselves for choosing fear and deciding to choose love. It was about removing the negative images of ourselves and other women and planting positive images. Inka spoke about the fact that the negative images of our body and beauty aren't our own thoughts, the thoughts have been planted into our minds by society and the media.
I ended up meeting a woman with the same name as me, and also the same story as me. It was so weird, I've never met another Saabirah. I had to go up to her and tell her about the similarities we had, we just laughed it off.
I left with a big smile on my face, wanting more time with these women. I didn't have to say much but just being surrounded by so many women all wanting to achieve the same amount of self happiness, just filled me with so much comfort. It was so comforting just to hear the women speaking about the thoughts and feeling I've also had. Sometimes I think we get so carried away wuth our negative thoughts, we forget that we aren't alone, we aren't the only ones feeling this overwhelming desire to look and be a certain way.
This is only the beginning of my self love and also self improvement journey. I plan on going to several other events alone. Hopefully I will, no I definitely will become more confident in my skin. I just wanted to share this with you.
What makes you happy? What's one thing you love about yourself? If you could give your younger self one piece of advice what would you say?